Lets talk about grief

 I wouldn't profess to being an expert in grief, or in fact anything actually : ) but we are all experts of our own experience. Working with grief is something that I have come to know quite personally due to my father dying when I was 9 years old. This year has been one that has held a thread of grief for most people in some way. Whether it has been the loss of what was considered a normal life, a friend or relative, a job loss or loss of certain freedoms. Grief has been quite present for most of us.

I experienced a cascade of grief in May, the loss seeped into every area of my life and was very overwhelming. The last few months have reminded me of the stages that we go through regarding loss and the powerful ways that we can support the process. One of the aspects of grief is the physicality of it. Often like a rising feeling in the heart and chest, and culminating in the throat, the physical feelings can be quite strong. If we can attend to the physical feelings its very helpful. A hand on the heart and a deep breath into the sensations, noticing the warmth of the hand. Staying with the bodily felt sense when it feels ok to do so allows the soothing system to be activated. 

When we experience a loss there can be a number of stages that arise, and they can do so in no particular order. Varying from shock to anger, from depression to fear. I suppose the recognition that its normal and its part of human experience brings a sense of ease. When working with strong emotions or bodily felt sense, the compassionate awareness is key. The threat system is there to keep us alive, to enable us to be proactive in our survival. Whilst going through difficulty it can become a little overactive, contributing to the overwhelm felt in the body and mind. To counteract the threat system, fight or flight, we can enhance the soothing system. Paul Gilbert is an excellent writer and speaker on this area and I highly recommend his books and online lectures.

Activating the compassionate awareness within is a day by day process. Settling in to meditation and connecting with the heart, love, compassion that is present within all of us and encouraging that to grow and hold or wrap around the feelings of sadness is pretty powerful. You can explore this with online meditations or go to groups, or contact meditation teachers to attend live sessions. Personally I highly advise being in a group or with a meditation teacher, support is key. The most important part about growing the container of awareness is accepting that it is a process over time, with long lasting impact. When we grow our own soothing system within its easier to be with difficulty and move through it.

One of my MSc students recently researched older adults understanding of compassionate practice and the research was revealing. There is definitely a need to support each other to develop and grow the compassionate soothing system within. People in the research spoke out about never turning towards themselves with a compassionate focus, always outwards. Yet when we activate our own ability to hold and nurture ourselves we can bring an even bigger container of support to those around us. Take care of yourself x

I record and upload meditations here https://www.patreon.com/drlizsparkes